Monday, June 22, 2009

Another blessed Father's Day!

A enjoyed a second Father's Day with our son G. We had a great day. My little brother and his family came over for a bbq. My parents stopped by but didn't stay very long. My father was not a the celebratory mood, which is understandable. Hopefully with time his heart will heal and he will be able to enjoy Father's Day again. For now, we all understand.
As for A, he had a great day. He was able to spend the whole day with his son. We shared a lot of laughs and enjoyed the hot sun in the pool. G loves swimming with his daddy.
A and I have been through so much in our 12 years together. I remember all the heartache we endured like it was yesterday. I remember all the tears we shared...gosh there were years of sadness. I also remember telling my husband that maybe he would be better off if he would just leave me. In my darkest hours I would think about A and how he was able to have children. I would try to imagine him with another woman and me finding out 'they' were pregnant. Crazy I know...but real life. Infertility was all my fault. I was the reason we had no children. I knew how bad A wanted children and I knew what a great father he would why should I be the one keeping him from his dream. I was serious when I asked him to leave me. I told him that I loved him so much, all I wanted was for him to be happy. I will never forget what he said to me...."you are the reason I want children, I want you to be the mother of my else." His words touched my heart and soul. He also went on to say he could live without children but he could not live without me. I'm tearing up as I think about it. I'm just so blessed to have found such a loving and understanding man. God sure knew what he was doing when he send A my way. A has been my rock all of these years, he has been a wonderful husband...he is my hero.
It's almost surreal how our life is now compared to just a couple of years ago. Our lives are so blessed and so full of life. A's dream has come true.....he has a child, a son and we are still together. A is a father....HAPPY FATHER'S DAY. I must be the luckiest woman...I get to watch A be a father everyday....he is truly the best. I am so proud of him.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Don't mean to be a downer...

One year ago today my little brother was hit and killed by a car. It has been a very hard year for all of my family, we are just not the same dynamic. I've never known such heartache, I can't imagine ever losing a child and the pain my mother must be feeling. I pray for all those who have suffered the loss of a child. As for my mother, she is not doing to well. We are going to her house in about a half hour. All I can do is be by her side today, hold her hand and pray for strength and unrelenting faith.
My brother was such a great kid. He was so smart and touched many people with his words. He had depth way beyond his years. I miss him dearly. I can't wait for the day I see him again.

I leave you with a poem he wrote....

I sat one night upon a tree,
Just to see what I could see.
And what I saw was oh so great,
visions of stars and a moon so bright!
I saw in the moon a silver beauty,
shimmering hair and eyes straight white.
The Silver Moon Goddess, yes truly...
She gazed down upon me
and thus I fell from the tree.
A shimmering shroud of bright white light,
broke my fall then vanished from sight.
I gazed up at the moon again
and she was gone, as if she'd never been.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Chicago meet up....

I had such a great time this past weekend. Let me start by giving you a little history lesson before I talk about our weekend...when A and I started our adoption journey I wasn't sure whether or not to join any support groups. I joined a support group on B.abycenter in 04' during our IVF days and I met a great group of girls who I still talk too. However no matter what group I joined I always seemed to be the one left with empty arms. Joining an adoption group was scary to me b/c I didn't want to be the one left always. I kept thinking of shiit that could go wrong, not getting approved - what if the social worker decided we were bad people and did not approve us, or how about not being able to come up with all the money we needed, what if a BM didn't pick us b/c we didn't live in a nice enough neighborhood.... There were so many negative thoughts going through my head, it was hard to get excited about adoption, let alone to get excited about joining a support group.
In October of 07', I just happened to hop on an adoption bulletin board. I noticed a new thread inviting any and all newbies to join. This thread was started by Eileen, after I read her initial post I knew right away that I had to join. We soon realized there was a great core group of girls posting and we've been supporting each other every since.
I love sharing my deepest fears and highest highs with these girls. They have become my lifeline. When I feel alone in this process, I turn to them and they are always right there to give me great words of advice and all the support I could ever dream of. It is a joy having women in my life that truly get what I'm going through.
I had to look back through our thread to find out how the 'Chicago Meet Up' came about. We started to kick around the idea in January of this year. And somewhere along the line we actually made it happen. There are 7 of us that are regulars on this thread and maybe one or two that just pop in every now and then. Out of the 7, 4 of us made it to Chicago. It is a trip I will never forget and it is a trip that I'm so glad I went on! I met some amazing people this weekend. Hopefully we will do it again and this time we will all have our children.

Here are a couple snapshots of the weekend.

Our kitchenette ~

Our bedroom with a king size bed....nice ~

A group photo, this was taken on our way to Shedd's aquarium. Unfortunately it was so busy we never made it inside, however we did get to go to the Chicago Field Museum.

(from l to r, J her son B and daughter M, also her husband M, Col and baby Chylar, who you can't see :( and Gord, Eileen and of course Me, G and A.

A view from the museum area, Navy Pier is in the distance.

At Chicago's Field Museum ~

from l to r, Chylar, Col, Eileen, J, Me and B

We also went to Lincoln Park Zoo.

This pic was taken on the bridge entrance to the zoo.

G and M posing near the gorilla statues. G didn't look to happy.

This is G's expression

after he seen this...

Daddy and G at the zoo ~

I love this picture ~

G loved the zoo! I can't wait to take him to the John Ball Park, our local zoo. And we also have tickets to Binder Park Zoo, which I believe is in Battle Creek, MI.
We really did have a great time. I'm so blessed to have met some wonderful friends, who share our same journey.

I'll end it with some fireworks. We went down to Navy Pier Saturday night. I caught the tail end, they were very good. In Chicago fireworks are on display every Wednesday and Saturday night. Sad thing is they are almost as nice as our 4th of July display in my hometown.

D, A and G

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A shout out...

To Coleen, Gordon and their forever baby girl Chylar, congratulations. Finalization is the last piece of the puzzle. You are a beautiful family and I can't wait to meet you all this weekend. I am overwhelmed with joy when I see such a deserving couple blessed by adoption.

Wordless Wednesday...

I like wordless Wednesdays. I have a lot of cleaning to do the next couple of days so when G takes his nap, I have no time to post.

I thought you'd enjoy these....G loves his car.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

We so crazy!!!!

A couple nights ago, I was on the phone with A's aunt. We started talking about #2, I told her how the blue guest room would be perfect for G...color wise. And how I could transform G's room to a girls room if I needed too. The wall color could go either way, all I would need to do it add pinks, purples and magenta. Oh....I can envision it now. I also told her that we are going to foster to adopt and she asked me if I was sure we could handle going that route. I know it's complicated and there is always a chance of reunification but I feel confident about our decision. And as we continued to talk I started to get a sad we are kicking G out of his room and his crib already. I know I'll be alright, the realization of G not being 'the baby' is well....just sad.
Last night I went out for drinks with a gf who has a 17 month old son, she told me they are going to start trying for #2. I jokingly told her to let me know if/when it happens and I'd make the call to Really though the last few weeks with just G have been wonderful. He is still so young, having our nieces return home has not negatively effected him at all. In fact he seems more laid back and he is definitely learning to cope without so much attention...ok I might be jumping the gun on this one. He was clinging to my leg all day...but what do ya do?
For awhile things were so rough around here. I started to think G was going to be an only child. But now, it's as though A and I are on our second honeymoon. I can't remember the last time we had an argument. Trust me, I'm not saying our relationship is perfect but we've really been enjoying our time alone....stress free. Have I told you all that I love my A!!
So here's to enjoying a summer being a family of three...and too the fall. That's when we'll be placed back on the list to foster...OMG. It's really right around the corner.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Wordless Wednesday....

First poor baby!