Saturday, January 2, 2010


I finally have time to wish everyone a Happy New Year. I know it's late but better late, than

I'm writing this from the confines of my bedroom. It seems like I just move from my couch to my bed, usually with three children in tow. As I write that I realize what a lucky lady I am! It took us 8 years to achieve parenthood and now we have a son and two girls. I'm lucky that I get to spend so much time with my son and our foster children SM and SR.

But the truth is, I don't know how I'm suppose to feel about the twins. Am I suppose to let myself have feelings for them? Or do I keep them at a distant so my heart will not break if they end up leaving us? At times, I feel like a lucky lady but mostly my luck comes at a huge cost. I've had my heart broken too many times to count, what's one more...right? SM and SR deserve to be loved by someone and that happens to be my family. It's not their fault that their BM made some serious mistakes and it's not their fault that I'm a infertile with a fragile heart.

It's interesting to think about fate or destiny on this journey. Is it fate that they are here? Or will it be fate if they have to go home? I wish I had the answers. I just know that I'm tired of all these so called test, and I'm extremely tired of being labeled "a strong woman." I'm not all that strong. And I've, well really we've been though way to much to have to endure more heartache.

In real life I try not to think about all the details. I try to live or think on the surface, sometimes being "deep" is not all what it's cracked up to be. Think about it, on the surface I'm a happily married woman with three beautiful children. Sounds good, looks good....I wish I could leave it at that!

My point is I'm scared poopless...and can't wait for Feb. 1st, that's the next court date.


Jodi said...

D, I hear you about the strong woman label. I have heard it so many times, and each time I look around like, "who are they talking about?" I guess we don't sometimes see in ourselves what others see???

I can understand your conflict. Anyone who has experienced infertility/baby angst knows how to guard their feelings and their hearts. I'm here if you need to talk! (((hugs)))

Mandy said...

Wow, I can't imagine how hard that must be! That is one of the things I am most scared about when I think about the possibility of doing Foster to adopt . . . don't know if we will ever do it, but it's still in the back of my mind.

I've got my fingers crossed for you. And I'm praying that no matter what happens, you will have the stength that you need.

Lisa said...

What is their status? What does the SW say about reunification? what is the court date for? I would say that is the SW is leaning toward adoption, then let yourself go for their sake and yours because if they do end up with you forever, you don't want to miss out on this time. If the SW is 100% towards reunification and says that is where they are headed, then be the best foster parent you can until then.

Coleen and Gordon said...

very touching post... I can relate on the strong woman title! OY... I was going to ask you how you are feeling towards the girls (emotionally) but decided not to, this post answered it all. I would be conflicted too! We are trained to be so guarded. Good luck and know we are here!

E said...

Oh Dee...I don't know what to say. I can only imagine what it must be like to care for and attach to these little girls only to know that there is the possibility that they may have to leave your home. Foster parenting is really such a sacrifice because you do have to give your heart, no matter how much you try to protect it. I hear you about the 'strong' label...when you've been through IF and adoption, it comes with the territory, right? Really we're just playing the cards that we're dealt. It is true you are strong and amazing though. Hang in there until the 1st. Of course, I'm hoping for all the best for you and your family. ((hugs))