I finally have time to wish everyone a Happy New Year. I know it's late but better late, than never...lol.
I'm writing this from the confines of my bedroom. It seems like I just move from my couch to my bed, usually with three children in tow. As I write that I realize what a lucky lady I am! It took us 8 years to achieve parenthood and now we have a son and two girls. I'm lucky that I get to spend so much time with my son and our foster children SM and SR.
But the truth is, I don't know how I'm suppose to feel about the twins. Am I suppose to let myself have feelings for them? Or do I keep them at a distant so my heart will not break if they end up leaving us? At times, I feel like a lucky lady but mostly my luck comes at a huge cost. I've had my heart broken too many times to count, what's one more...right? SM and SR deserve to be loved by someone and that happens to be my family. It's not their fault that their BM made some serious mistakes and it's not their fault that I'm a infertile with a fragile heart.
It's interesting to think about fate or destiny on this journey. Is it fate that they are here? Or will it be fate if they have to go home? I wish I had the answers. I just know that I'm tired of all these so called test, and I'm extremely tired of being labeled "a strong woman." I'm not all that strong. And I've, well really we've been though way to much to have to endure more heartache.
In real life I try not to think about all the details. I try to live or think on the surface, sometimes being "deep" is not all what it's cracked up to be. Think about it, on the surface I'm a happily married woman with three beautiful children. Sounds good, looks good....I wish I could leave it at that!
My point is I'm scared poopless...and can't wait for Feb. 1st, that's the next court date.
6 hours ago