Infertility and the treatment that goes along with it has over the years taken a toll on me. I felt as though I was chasing a dream that would never be my reality. There were plenty of days I felt like giving up. I admit, I have and always will carry a feeling of guilt for not being able to carry a child. My husband has never uttered one word to make me feel this way, I just do.
Now that we have adopted, I feel like our dreams have in fact come true. I vividly remember telling my husband that we could love a child...any child we adopted. I just can't believe how much we love him, it's scary. I shower him with so many hugs and kisses I wonder if it's going to effect him in some weird way in the future...lol. Can you over love a child? Really though my life has never been so rich and fulfilled, he is our miracle child.
About three years ago I started working out of my home. I work two days a week and every other Saturday, which is great....no complaints here. I'm very fortunate to be able to spend three full weekdays with our son. I love hanging out with him but housework still needs to be done. When my two nieces were living here it was a bit more difficult to keep up because we had so much more laundry, baths, bedtime stories, combing of the hair, making lunch, dinner, reading about all the school happenings....oh, the list goes on. But now that it's just the three of us, things are more doable for me. At times I get panicked when I think about adopting #2, I wonder how well things will go and if I'll be able to keep up with additional responsibilities.
That leads me to the talk I had with A a few weeks back, I told him I need HELP. A works full time and there are also days he works side jobs. I don't mind him working long hours because adopting and raising a child/children is not cheap but that means I'm home with G by myself more often. It can be hard, there are days G is just not happy and I get stressed. He loves his momma and wants all her attention, it's difficult to run the vacuum or do the dishes, he clings to my leg and cries. Of course, I want to get on the floor and play cars with him, read books to him or just chase him around, which he thinks is the best. I know that this time with G is important, I'm not going to ignore him just to get everything done. It's a time all experienced mothers tell me to enjoy because it goes way to fast, I already find it hard to believe G is 17 months old. I have to remind myself to relax daily because I get so caught up in what has to be done or what we should be doing....argh, my mind just doesn't stop.
So we hired a cleaning service...YAY! They came by for the first time on the 15th, Marissa and Erica are the two girls that will help me keep this house in order. I thought for a minute I would need Niecy from Clean Sweep. I don't by any means have a big house but it's not all that small either, they were here for 4 hours. It's been three days and my house is still looking great. I'm a clean person but once G came along that took a backseat. All of last year I had to constantly remind myself to relax and that everything will just be fine, even if my house was messy. I am really looking forward to the additional help, I'm hoping it will give me time to get bigger tasks done...like redecorating the dinning room. It's been at a stand still for about 3 years.
BTW, I meant to finish this post Saturday the 18th, it's now the 23rd and just now getting posted.
6 hours ago