Monday, November 16, 2009

What's going on???

I'm so confused and don't know who to talk to or what to do. If you have any words of wisdom please feel free to leave a comment.

A and I are in the process of fostering to adopt (we think). We kind of "fell" into fostering, if you are not familiar we HAD to get licensed when we became legal guardians/foster parents to our two nieces. They lived with us from May 08' to May 09'. We never really thought about fostering before but since we are licensed and really want to grow our family, I convinced A to attempt adopting our second child this way. Honestly we have different views on it but we have somehow come to a middle ground and decided to go for it.

A is worried about falling in love with a child only to have the child taken from us. This is understandable but I feel like we will have plenty of time to come to terms if a child does in fact go home. I'm also trying to make him understand that we kind of have to go into it with reunification in mind since that is the ultimate goal of our foster care system.
A also does not want a child older than G. He feels very strong that G should be the eldest. At first I did not understand this...this time around it does not feel vital for me to have a newborn. Don't get me wrong, I would love any child including a newborn, I just know that I can love an older child too. But then I listen to A and it makes sense. He feels like during the first year of G's life, we were more focused on our nieces. Which is true in some ways, but he was young, he will not remember that...A also really wants G to be the first to do many things, like play baseball or go to school. It's really sweet of him but not all that practical if/when adopting through FC. He also would like to provide foster care to only one child. So if you think about it, we are really limiting child, less than 21 months old.

When we talked with our placement social worker (SW), she stated that she will try to accommodate our needs but that it might take awhile. We have officially been waiting since the 1st of October, so it hasn't been all that long. The thing is....I'm afraid we made the placement SWer's mad. You see they called several times with sibling groups and I turned them hard as that is...I did. For the last four weeks they have not called at all. The last call, I never returned b/c somehow I skipped the vm. It was for a sister sibling group, they were three and five. I honestly would have twisted A's arm to let him live here but like I said I somehow skipped the message and didn't get it for a few days. When I finally heard it, it was so many days later I didn't bother to call. Now Nothing!
I also have a second theory...maybe they are not mad, they just realize that Andre we do not want a sibling group.
I've been thinking about calling to clear up my concerns. Sometimes I feel like I wouldn't mind a sibling group, maybe I could convince A. After all we are older and we really want three or four kids so why not? We had three kids for a year and even though it was stressful, I know we could manage. The thing that I have to definitely keep in mind is that our decisions also effect my mother. She has watched G while I work since he was born and I know she would watch another child but two...not so sure.
In a nutshell, I want to call B.ethany but I also don't know how many more sibling groups I can turn down. I love my family and definitely want more kids, this seems to me like the obvious why can't A open his heart just a little more and not be so restrictive????


E said...

That's tough....on one hand, I can definitely see A's point. G is your first child. I think that I would feel the same way about wanting him to be the eldest and do things first. On the other hand, I see your point about opening up to a sibling group so that you have the family you had always wanted (more than 2). On the other other hand, a sibling group would probably mean at least one child older than G, right?

Oy vey. Lots of things to consider. I think that your first step would be to touch base with your agency to see if your new "restrictions" are limiting you from getting more calls and a possible placement. If it is, then maybe A will think it best to be more open?

Why can't this just be easy?


Nikki said...

Hey girl-
You have not waited that long to be honest. It can take up to a year to get a match especially a single child. They are out there. You just have to be patience. It doesnt hurt to call your worker and to see what is going on...but if u just want one more child and cannot take a sibling, dont feel bad. dont ever feel nad that you had to turn down a placement. u cant take the first placement u know? it gotta be right for your famiy. I never was called for a sibiling and I did get match fairly quickly and i too limited myself to one child, a FEMALE and under age 2. Soo be patience and you will get a match before you know it! :)

Anonymous said...

I think that you need to adopt a sibling for G, he's such a loving child. to bring another one in with the chance of him or her taken back believe me will be hard, especially after you see how G is going to bond, and trust me he will, He knows who T and K are, I always have his little slobber all over they're photos from all the kisses he always give them with his huge smile. He has so muc Love to give.

Priscilla said...

Sorry cuz I have to be honest I agree with A.
I would feel like G would get cheated in a way outta you capturing his first as your first as parents..its hard to put into words but do you see where im going with this? I think just wait a little bit maybe a year and then if nothing then sit back and revisit the whole thing. Just sit back enjoy that handsome boy and wait for what God has planned for you.

Laura said...

Dearest Dee:

I've been sitting here tonight reading through your blog to get caught up. Motherhood is wondeful but leaves very little downtime for anything else, as you know!

I have to sincerely commend you on your desire to Foster/Adopt. You are so much stronger than me. I completely support you in sticking to your request for a single child vs. a sibling group as you and A know what you want. There are so many children (single) out there and your agency should support your request. I pray for you that soon a child is placed with you...and ultimately becomes your little one. How blessed and fortunate a child, such as G, is and would be, to have you and A for parents!

I haven't seen you on FB (BC Sistahs) for awhile but I just left you a message. We have so much good news going on over there and you just add to it!!

Hang in there, Dee -- and I'll be checking in a lot more regularly. Promise!